Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Stardust ::
by William the Bloody
Over 100 years ago in England, specifically the village of Wall (so named due to the long, seemingly unending wall which runs alongside it and into the mysteriously woods on either end), young Dunstan Thorne has tricked the man guarding the only gap in the wall and run off into the woods to find out for himself firsthand why no one is ever allowed past. Dunstan enters the woods and discovers Market Town where he finds many curious wonders he never dreamed of, not the least of which being and exotically beautiful shop girl with an absent mistress. This shop girl reveals her magic ankle chain which ensures her slavery, unable to escape her bonds, she takes advantage of her rare moment without supervision and takes Dunstan by the hand into her caravan. Nine months later, the guard of the gap in the wall knocks on Dunstan's door carrying a basket with a baby inside, the unforeseen result of his tryst with the beautiful shop girl. Years later and that little baby has grown up and is in love. Tristan Thorne vies for Victoria's heart, but she has many suitors, one of whom is rumoured to propose to her in one week on her eighteenth birthday. Tristan, desperate, tells Victoria that there is no ocean he wouldn't cross, no task so great that he would not do it to win her over. Then a star streaks across the sky and Victoria tells him that she would marry him instead if he were to bring her that fallen star as a token of his love... so long as he manages it before her other suitor can pop the question in one week's time. Tristan goes home and explains his situation to his father and his need to go beyond the guarded wall in order to fetch the star. Dunstan then reveals to his son who his mother was and how he came to be for the first time, and she had left her son gifts in the basket for him to open when he was old enough. She had left him a means of near-instantaneous travel, a rare Babylon Candle, with the instructions "light it and think of me." He does as instructed, only partway through his journey, his train of thought shifts from his mother to Victoria and the star, and is very surprised to find himself crash landing in a crater on the other side of the wall with not a giant hunk of space rock, but rather a beautiful girl injured from a long fall. Unfortunately, Tristan is not the only one who went looking for the star. There is a dying king with three (living) sons and in order to choose an heir, he throws the jewel of the king out of the highest window, which rises and rises impossibly into the sky until it strikes... a star and both come tumbling to earth. Of the three sons, the first to obtain the jewel shall be king; find the star, find the jewel. Also, the three queens of the witches felt the magic of the star fall and desire her warm, glowing heart most of all in order to eat it and regain their youth.
The Good: I'll admit, I had my doubt and frights about this film when I first heard it was being made, but now that I've seen it, those have all gone away. The casting is interesting but pretty much perfect. Michelle Pfeiffer was the finest choice for the evil witch queen. I was pretty shocked to hear Robert De Niro of all people had a part in this movie, but he managed to put together a fine performance for the role. Our main characters, Tristan and Yvaine the star were very well played by Charlie Cox and Claire Danes respectively. Yes, I was wary of the quality of acting Ms. Danes might produce, but she did a wonderful job. Ricky Gervais (from the BBC's "The Office") and Peter O'Toole were interesting curve balls I didn't see coming, but they practically stole the scenes they were in. There were a few changes from the book to make this movie version, but most of it was pretty spot-on and I really get the sense that their intensions were as loyal as they possibly could be. Certain characters and bits were cut presumably for length as their explanations and introductions would have been too long, and I think they made the right choices for the most part. Also, Septimus, the youngest heir to the throne looking for his father's jewel is one heck of a snappy dresser. Oh and it's funny. Quite funny, actually.
The Bad: While Claire Danes did a fine job as the star, it would have been nice if they had cast an actual British girl for the part. I was a little disappointed at their changes to the ending. Actually it's about 50-50 for me between the book versus movie endings. I'll admit that the very, very end of the book isn't all that happy and that the movie probably wanted to go in a more "happily ever after" direction, which is fine, really, I wish they would have kept some of the parts regarding Tristan and Yvaine from BEFORE the VERY end. It was those parts that gave me the most satisfied feeling from the book and to me that little bit left the film ending lacking a little. I do really like their NEW very, very end, just those little leading up to bits should have been kept in, I think. It's hard to explain without giving too much away. There is some stuff at the beginning about a letter to an astronomer which I find to be a pretty pointless addition.
All in all, I enjoyed this movie very much. It is being compared to The Princess Bride by everyone, and I think that is a fair comparison. It's a fun fairytale with magic, sword fighting, double crosses, curses, falling in love, flying ships, cross dressing, murder plots, chases, a unicorn, greed, fun and excitement. The film version is perhaps a bit more moralistic than the book, seeing as to how almost everyone ends the film getting what they deserve, the violence being toned back slightly and the sex is done mostly in the cut aways. I would agree with the PG-13 rating, and would recommend that everyone of the appropriate age who like a good, old fashioned-fun swashbuckling tale of romance with magic to give this one a go.
A
