Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Shaolin Soccer ::
by William the Bloody
Twenty years ago, the star of the Chinese soccer league, nicknamed "Golden Leg," was up for a penalty goal for the winning point. He missed the kick, and the crowd was so outraged that they stormed the field and beat him so badly, his Golden Leg would be permanently crippled. Here and now, the previously second best player in the league took over Golden Leg's spot as the greatest, and he's wealthy beyond his wildest dream, a chairman of the league and owns many soccer teams of his own. Golden Leg now works for him as a lowly equipment manager, but he begs his boss for a chance to coach. His boss laughs at him, calling him a worthless cripple, and fires him. Despondent, Golden Lag wanders the streets and happens upon a young man in his twenties, commenting how the soccer players on television don't know how to kick. Golden Leg asks him how a young man like him could possibly know any better, and this young man demonstrates that with the use of Kung-Fu, he has mastered the technique of the Steel Leg, which can yield some power packed kicks indeed, and that if only everyone knew about Kung-Fu, their lives would be enriched in every field from hedge clipping to parallel parking. Eventually, Golden Leg and Steel Leg team up; Steel Leg looking to use soccer as a means to spread the word of Kung-Fu, and Golden Leg to finally realize his dream to coach (not to mention, hopefully defeating is old boss's team in the process). Steel Leg gathers his old Kung-Fu classmates to form the soccer team, and after they rekindle the fires of the martial arts they let fizzle in their souls, become a soccer force to be reckoned with, utilizing their Kung-Fu mastery to play the world's greatest game.
The Good: Do you like martial arts films? Sports films? Comedies? Maybe a little something that doesn't take itself too seriously? This movie is the perfect blend of all of this and more! This movie is wacky fun from start to finish, with squeaky-clean goodness... no cursing, nudity, or gory violence. How can this be? Well, it's all with the pretty keen martial arts moves, weird parodies, and goofy jokes. The martial art soccer matches are great; yeah, that soccer ball is digitally added on, but, meh, just look at what that guy is DOING! And he's REALLY doing it!
The Bad: There is a tad bit of romance going on, but it's minor, so it's hardly worth mentioning. The acting is, or course, over the top, but if you know martial arts movies, then you know to expect this and it's pretty much a nod and a wink at the genre. The computer generated parts are unfortunately, really quite bad. The digital effects look like they needed just one more step of cleaning up before final print, but they didn't get it, and so stick out awfully.
Overall, is this movie the best thing ever? Well, not quite, but it sure is fun finding out. I laughed out loud several times watching this one. The martial arts visuals were great and the jokes genuinely funny. This movie isn't artistic or highbrow in any way, but it's plain, good ol' fashioned fun for everyone, and who doesn't like that every now and again?
A-
