Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: How to Write a Rant ::
Once a week, barring the odd vacation, I write a rant. They are all archived in the Rant section of this site, and I have gotten many lovely compliments from my visitors about them. Pretty weird I know, but it's true. Not to toot my own horn (well, okay, maybe just this once, how often do I get to?), but every review I've received for this site has said how much the reviewer enjoyed reading them. It makes me very glad to know that these things I have written are being appreciated, and so, I'd like to share with you all some of the secrets to my "success." I think you will find this tutorial very unhelpful....
1. Forethought and choosing a topic. It may or may not surprise you to know that very few of my rants use actual forethought and preplanning. More often than not, I decide to write about something that struck a bizarre chord with me earlier that week. For example, the Sick Sense 2 rant dealt with an actual event that happened to me at work and my co-workers. I thought it was funny, they didn't, and I wanted to hear what my readers would think. Sometimes I might hear something that strikes my fancy or watch a movie that will give me an idea. However, nearly 85% of the time, my rants are written without any sort of concepts or ideas prior to sitting down at the computer. Usually it's Saturday night and I know I have to post it soon, so I just sit and type about... er... whatever.
2. Making a point. A semi-decent rant should really be going somewhere or make some sort of point. It's easy to do this with political based rants where you're basically making a case for why you believe a certain way on a certain subject. The Legal Prostitution and Go Gay Marriage rants are all fine examples of me arguing an idea which all have a very decisive point. Most of the time I'm going to go off on a topic of something that really, really bothers me. Usually these are the best kinds of rants, just don't get carried away and make a VALID (or at least believable bullshit) point. Sometimes this can prove difficult, especially if you're just shooting the shit about stuff. You'll notice in my Zombie Guide rant that I wasn't really going anywhere with it and had to just hastily wrap it up with no conclusion or pay-off, unless you happen to like sketti-o's...
3. Three is a magic number. If you're trying to convince people that your point is a valid one, you want to be able to back it up. I would suggest choosing subjects that you can validate with AT LEAST three decent arguments. Look at the Silliness of Smoking rant, for example. My topic is basically, "I don't like people who smoke," which I elaborated on with three reasons: they smell, they have entitlement issues, and it's unhealthy. These reasons are clearly stated and then elaborated upon. If you have MORE than three arguments for your point, great, but any less and you may sound like you don't know what you're talking about. You want to at least SOUND convincing!
4. Argument over insult. Proving your point does NOT mean cutting down anyone who doesn't agree with you by insulting them. If you think Tom Cruise is a terrible actor, DON'T say "anyone who likes Cruise is an idiot. I can't believe he has fans at all, and the ones he does have are dumbasses." No, no, no! I can't stress this enough. You would not win a debate by simply calling the opposition "dumb", would you? Of course not! Your goal should be to try and see if you can CONVINCE the people with the opposing opinion to believe your side, or at LEAST recognize its validity. A good way to show "you come in peace" and are merely offering an opinion and not a tirade, is also by acknowledging that the other side exists and may indeed have some positive aspects, however there are some very good reasons for your point of view.
5. Making the list. Once in a while I'll write a list out of one thing or another and pass this off as a "rant." The Wedding Songs rant was comprised of a list of songs overplayed at weddings, and the list was used to prove that point just how often this happens. Some lists, like The Bottom Ten, have brief explanations behind each item and why it is listed. A plain list with no explanations should be AT LEAST ten items long. A list WITH explanations can settle with about five or so provided the explanations are pretty good and of a decent length.
6. Movie madness. The least frequent sort of rant I do is one where I write up a movie summary of my own composition, and yes, more often than not, these are used to prove a point about something. The Bond, James, Bond rant for example was me showing just how cliché and easy it is to write a before the opening credits sequence to a Bond film. The Monster Squad 2 rant was making fun of the Hollywood team-up films and sort of why they should leave well enough alone (again-- sort of). If you're having difficulty making a point but have a nifty movie treatment, go on ahead anyway so long as its entertaining and not too long.
7. Have a sense of humour. Just about anyone anywhere will go along with anything if it makes them laugh! You can insult somebody's mother as long as you do it in a funny, not-too-serious way. For example, there's a difference between saying "dude, your mom is so hot, I'd like to screw her!" and "dude, your mom is so hot, I'm going to start yourmomishot dot com!", see? If it's appropriate to your rant, add in the occasional joke for fun or to lighten the mood. I usually like to end a rant on a joke or funny note so that the readers forgive me for insulting them in my previous statements.
8. Relativity. Whatever topic you choose, try to make it something at least SOME of readers will be able to identify with. I mean, you don't want it to be about a problem you specifically have with one specific thing that no one who doesn't know you personally will understand. If you DO do this, try to present it in such a way that your readers will at least be able to understand your perspective on the matter. For example, the Creepy King rant was about a Burger King advert. However, some of my visitors are not from the United States and did not properly get it, but because of some of the descriptions I gave, were able to understand my problem. Very often people will get bored with a subject they cannot relate to or have no idea about and just not care what you have to say. I guess I'm just saying be RELATABLE. Readers who can identify with your issue or can totally relate to what you're talking about are happy readers.
9. Curses! Personally, swearing and curse words don't bother me. Other people though? Occasional cursing is okay, particularly if it's to prove how passionate you are about your argument or how stupid you think someone is being. All I'm saying is, don't overdo it! Every other word doesn't have to be "fuck," you know! Some people have a low threshold for that stuff and some will lower their opinion of you/lose respect for what you're trying to say if you take it too far. All in moderation and all that.
10. Formatted. All in all, in the end your rant ought to have the same format they tried to teach you school; that of an introduction, a body and a conclusion. Basically, you present your idea, you prove it with points (or a list or fun movie treatment, as the case may be), then you wrap it up. This format pretty much makes it feel like you at least have a shred of professionalism or at least fools the reader into thinking you do, thus also fooling them into thinking you have credibility to add to your argument points. Sometimes it's all about presentation, dontcha know?
So there it is, kids: the most unhelpful tutorial ever! Hope you at least got something out of it...
